7 Reasons You’re Dating The Wrong Person

Larry Bolata: Imagine for the next sixty seconds that you can sort out and virtually eliminate every problem in your most important relationships. Happiness ultimately depends on the quality of our relationships, but it can fall apart when you don’t really understand people. Remember this, there are only three relationships on earth: intimate, social and work; yet we keep making the same relationship mistakes while we keep hoping for a different result. I am Larry Bolata and I am here to show you an easier way to understand people than what you have been led to believe. People are not as complicated as you thought, and there are easier ways to interact with them that would take the stress out of your most difficult relationships. That’s why every week my guest and I will give you the tools and understanding to improve your intimate, your social and your work relationships. I invite you to spend the next sixty minutes with me on Relationship Revelation Radio, since I’ve defined the word revelation as ‘a dramatic disclosure of something not previously known or realized. Since relationships literally make our life or break it, let’s explore what you haven’t known or realized about relationships on Relationship Revelation Radio.

Larry Bolata: Her book is titled “The First Key” and she has taught people how to discover what she calls subconscious sabotage. This is…an excellent term, subconscious sabotage. You know, if you’re listening to any of my shows, if you’ve heard the interviews of authors…in the relationship world that I have done you’re going to hear them say over and over again some form of, you know, the behavior is subconscious. There talking about people not knowing what they’re doing, and on these shows you’ve heard me ask them the question, “Why are so many people unaware of why they do what they do?” And the answer from the authors are always comes back that it’s down to the subconscious. That means they are not clearly awake to what is happening to them and they’re not aware of their subconscious; and that’s why I’m interviewing Dr. Daphna Slonim today on the Relationship Revelation, here on webtalkradio.net and I am Larry Bolata, and I want you to learn what Dr. Slonim can…explain to you here. She has a way to uncover the sabotaging system that is in this place called the subconscious. And now…you know, why is it so valuable that you learn this this thing we’re going to talk about toady? It’s valuable because you can’t be confident yourself if this subconscious sabotage exists. You…can’t make money, feel more secure financially if this subconscious…sabotage exists. You can’t…have the person in your life if the subconscious sabotage exists, and that’s leads me to the title of the show “The Seven Reasons You’re Dating the Wrong Partners,” and of course talking about single people. There’s lots of things that happens, especially with online dating now. You actually attract people you don’t know how, you don’t know why…sometimes you wonder why.

Well, this relationship revelation, and the revelation today is you’re going to start dating the right partners. If you want to get right to it go to her website, http://www.thefirstkey.com, that’s her website, that’s where you can be introduced to her world, easy to remember, Thefirstkey.com. So, why you’re not happy? The first key is removing this thing hidden away all your life, buried in your subconscious, not available to you, that is making you unhappy.

Larry Bolata: Dr. Slonim, thank you so much for taking me up on my invitation to be on Relationship Revelation today. This is…going to be a revelation, so thanks for coming on.

Dr. Slonim: Thank you for having me.

Larry Bolata: We’re going to talk about what sounds like a very simple thing. Hey, you’re dating the wrong person, there’s seven reasons you’re dating the wrong person, stop doing that…(laughing)…that’s…that’s the way it kind of sounds initially. But you’ve got something important to tell us about this thing I’m talking about called subconscious sabotage, and the whole thing…if you could do anything to help us take the mystery out of this thing the world does not know…subconscious. Before we get into the seven reasons you’re dating the wrong partners, why are you dating the wrong partners, the thing people have to know about is this thing called energy. I want you to say something…kind of introduce us to this world called energy, and we’re not talking about having the physical energy to get up and start your day, we’re talking about a different kind of energy really. Tell us about that…

Dr. Slonim: Everything is energy. Everything…around us, according to quantum mechanics, is vibrating at a certain wave length. We are energy and…we have a lot of electricity, electro-magnetic energy around us that can be measured. When people do…electrocardiogram (E.K.G) or electroencephalogram (E.E.G.), we are actually measuring electrical currents in the body. There are also subtle energy, energy that actually being treated when we…do acupuncture…

Larry Bolata: …Okay, so…so we’ve…we’ve got the energy you’re talking about initially, like a…an MRI scan, everybody have seen those, those are actually pictures of energy in areas in the brain, EKG scans energy in the heart, electrical energy in the heart. In acupuncture you called this a subtle energy because everybody has seen the needles, you know, sticking in the body and they wonder what is going on there. The acupuncturist is actually…knows exactly the spot to put a needle to either…how do we say it…speed up or slow down these subtle energies?…

Dr. Slonim: …Regulate them. They regulate the flow of these subtle energy in the body. Chinese call it “Chi”, Japanese call it “Ki”, Hindu call it “Prana”, but it’s actually a subtle type of energy flowing in the body and its flow is very important to both physical health and emotional health.

Larry Bolata: Is…is this energy electricity? Dr. Slonim: Not exactly electricity, no. Larry Bolata: When we’re talking about energy we’re talking about quantum mechanics, it’s this electrons, sub-atomic particles, is that what this is?

Dr. Slonim: Yes, it is definitely related to the whole new discoveries in quantum mechanics and modern physics, all the new theories connecting it with consciousness.

Larry Bolata: Yeah, that’s a little bit heavy…(laughing)…for our interview. But all I want to establish is if the US Military is using acupuncture instead of drugs, that is a huge statement about this energy that the western world is really not very aware of. That’s true, right?

Dr. Slonim: Absolutely true. Acupuncture is very, very known and validated for healing and treatments, and validated by a lot of double-blind studies all over the world.

Larry Bolata: Okay, so very credible. So, when we’re talking about energy, MRI scans are reading energy, EKG is reading energy, acupuncture is…is…monitoring or altering the flow of energy. Now that we know that this energy exists, we want to get closer to the idea that you could attract a person with this energy. I think the world calls it vibes. I get good vibes, I get bad vibes when they’re talking in that slang term vibes their talking about this energy, aren’t they? Dr. Slonim: Yes, they’re definitely talking about this energy and we’re all electro-magnet and we’re vibrating in a certain wave length and our thoughts have a certain wave length, but anything that we’re conscious about is only about five percent. Ninety-five percent or more is subconscious and things that we’re not aware of. So, if let’s say we want to attract the right person and something underneath the level of her consciousness is saying it is dangerous or we don’t deserve anything better, then what exactly are we attracting?

Larry Bolata: So, we’re now attracting something that we’re not aware of something in our subconscious, and before I go any further let me remind you you’re listening to Relationship Revelation Radio on webtalkradio.net, this is Larry Bolata and I am spending time tapping the brain of Dr. Daphna Slonim, a medical doctor, board certified psychiatrist both in Israel and in California who has a wonderful book called ‘The First Key’, and the first key is really your key to learning about this subconscious energy that is the source of why you don’t, can’t, won’t. It stops you in doing what you really want to do virtually in every area of your life.

So, now that we’ve established that energy is flowing, is moving, there are memories that people have, all of us have, painful memories, memories that happened…when we’re born, memories of our parents and, you know, just…just energies that are memories, and can we say that memories are an energy in themselves? Can we say that?

Dr. Slonim: We can say that memories can make us feel different feelings and different feelings are going to attract to us different experiences according to how positive or negative they are…

Larry Bolata: …So, like a memory that has a lot of negative energy and…you’re a child and your father traumatizes you with a scream or, you know, put you down in front of everyone, you know, that is a memory that’s never forgotten, it has a life of its own and it carries an energy, doesn’t it?

Dr. Slonim: Most of the early memories are actually imprinting us, giving us a feeling of the world around us. We are indoctrinated, we’re socialized, we’re being treated in a certain way and something in us is recording everything and that’s how we’re building our world view and how we’re seeing ourselves in relationships to this world.

Larry Bolata: So, when someone is looking for a relationship, they’re dating, they’re online dating, you know, online dating you don’t meet the person you meet them through your screen or through your phone, and yet that somehow those people being drawn to you by what’s in those memories. Is that true?

Dr. Slonim: Well, let’s say that person is abused and neglected by their parents…

Larry Bolata: Okay, lots of people relate to that…

Dr. Slonim: Let’s say that the child is really being criticized constantly. The child has to believe that his or her caretakers are good, they’re benevolent, they know better what’s good for the child. If the child is being abused the child has to believe that he’s not good enough, that he does not deserve any better and that becomes an imprint…

Larry Bolata: …Okay, so that pain, then, is believed that that’s true, it’s true like forever.

Dr. Slonim: Yes, and it’s true whatsoever and that is what we see in repetition compulsion. Women who are being abused by an alcoholic father are choosing life partners who are alcoholic and abusive.

Larry Bolata: You know, when you use the word choosing it infers that the person is consciously making a choice because this person is going to give them everything that they want and that so much of their choice is not conscious. Is it?

Dr. Slonim: No, it’s totally subconscious.

Larry Bolata: So that’s not really a choice then, is it?

Dr. Slonim: It is what they are attracted to energetically, intuitively, emotionally…

Larry Bolata: It’s…it’s not a choice, it’s a necessity, it’s just a magnetic thing, you have to have it, this person is coming in, no question about it. It’s not even a choice, it’s…and during that attraction process doesn’t that feel good for the person? So, I’m getting a person who my childhood requires me to have, I need it, I have to have it, and I really don’t know why. Now I have to rationalize all the reasons why this is a real good choice, right, which people do, and…and they’ll have family members around them telling them, “Oh, don’t’, don’t do that, that’s a bad guy,” or…(laughing)…they’ll try and tell them don’t do that, that’s not a good choice for you, and they never listen.

Dr. Slonim: Moreover, let’s say a woman is choosing marrying an alcoholic abusive husband and if this husband decides to go to treatment, go to AA, stop drinking and starts treating her kindly, all that attraction disappears.

Larry Bolata: Isn’t that amazing?…(laughing)… Now, you know what this sounds like to me? You have to straighten me out if I’ve got this wrong. It sounds like to me that the woman who has the violent father then has something in her, like some kind of magnetic system, that brings her in effect a violent husband like her father and that violent father figure who beats up makes her feel normal. But if that guy went to treatment and all of a sudden he stop treating her that badly she would not like that guy anymore, but she wouldn’t know why, would she?

Dr. Slonim: Exactly.

Larry Bolata: Well, that’s a real scary thought, because that’s been happening for centuries, hasn’t it?

Dr. Slonim: Yes, unfortunately yes, and…psychologists tried to find explanation for that. In clinical psychology they call it repetition compulsion, when we are compelled to repeat a pattern over and over. Let’s say a woman finally got the courage to divorce this abusive person and then she is dating another guy that’s on its face looks like a nice, nurturing guy. After the marriage this guy shows his true face and becomes abusive.

Larry Bolata: Amazing, yeah…(laughing)…I’ve seen it a lot, and the women…I’ve talked to these women, they don’t know why and it seems a lot of them don’t actually want to know why. Like an explanation like you’re making right now, they wouldn’t want to hear it. Dr. Slonim: They’re certainly looking for answers and they’re trying to rationalize it, some of them…some of my patients told me, “Okay, I am familiar with this energy and I know how to treat this energy.” So that’s one explanation. The psychological explanation of that they are looking for a father substitute, and that if they’ll succeed in getting these persons to love them and treat them nicely then it would be a kind of corrective experience. As if it’s going to change all the history of abuse they had before. But that’s obviously not happening. The correct explanation I just found when I started using energy muscle testing the statement: “I deserve to find Mr. Right” and the muscle was weak indicating that subconsciously these people felt that they do not deserve anything better and then we looked at…at the life trauma as children and we discover why. We found that it an imprint and then we can remove this imprint in and assert that the child was abuse not because he or she were bad, but this was a problem with the parents.

Larry Bolata: Alright, so now we’ve got this basic premise that you have a troubled painful home, you’re given painful memories and these memories have a forever life of their own, because they will drive you to do things you don’t understand that you’re doing, and if anybody I ever talk to they…they always say, you know, I have free choice, I like to think I have free will. But in everything you just explained, that doesn’t sound like free will at all. Does that sound like free will?

Dr. Slonim: (Laugh)…People are motivated by all different things. I…I like to think we have free choice once we remove the subconscious sabotage. Different people have subconscious sabotage to different things most people do have subconscious sabotage to happiness in general, because they don’t believe that they deserve to be happy… Larry Bolata: Because those childhood memories are very painful, and they’re forgotten actually. I’ve had a lot of people tell me I don’t remember my childhood, so that tells me a lot of people can’t have conscious memories of their childhood pain, so they don’t remember the events.

Dr. Slonim: Yes, they’re usually suppressed because they are so painful, or they’re just forgotten and you don’t really need to be abused or neglected. Parents are criticizing their children all the time. The average parents will give positive reinforcements five times and nineteen times a critical remark.

Larry Bolata: (Laughing)…Five positives to nineteen negatives, is…is that what the studies show?

Dr. Slonim: Yeah, that’s what recorded. So, and that’s a good parent…

Larry Bolata: …and that’s a good parent…(laughing)…okay, oh…

Dr. Slonim: We all were socialized. Normal parents are often impatient, or they are critical, or they think they are doing us good and actually they are doing us good because they’re preparing us to interact with the world. We need to be socialized, but we also need to go ahead later on, with all these negative imprints, and believe that we are good enough and we deserve the best.

Larry Bolata: When you said believe that we are good, that we deserve the best, positive thinking comes to mind. You know, I’m going to say…these positive statements. Just making positive statements, why doesn’t this take the subconscious sabotage of this childhood pain, these imprints you’re talking about? Why can’t it make them go away?

Dr. Slonim: I’m all up for affirmations and I’m using affirmations when I’m removing the subconscious sabotage to discover where the sabotage exactly is. To correct the sabotage I’m using a combination of forgiveness affirmation with some sensory stimulation, massaging some neuro-lymphatic reflex point on the chest. This combination is effective. Just making positive affirmation is not effective, because positive affirmation by itself working on the conscious mind, and as I told you its five percent…

Larry Bolata: Yes…

Dr. Slonim: …where are you going when with one foot you’re pushing the accelerator and unbeknownst to you at the same time your other foot is pushing on the brakes…

Larry Bolata: …Yes, yes, so…you’re conscious foot has…is pressing the gas and the unconscious foot is pressing the brakes. This creates lots of frustrations in lot of places, and I want to get to the seven reasons you’re dating the wrong partners. Well, let’s start with…the first reason you’re dating the wrong partner now that we’ve laid out this whole thing about energy, and I want to get into the ideas of muscle testing and why that matters here. What’s the first reason people date the wrong partners?

Dr. Slonim: As outlined in my book The First Key when I’m testing muscle testing, I’m testing seven different things that can block us. First I remove the subconscious sabotage to happiness in general, because when people have sabotage to happiness they cannot achieve any other goal because once they achieve it, God forbid, it will make them happy and that’s a big no-no…

Larry Bolata: …That’s not allowed from the childhood, yes, okay…

Dr. Slonim: …First I’m muscle testing the statement “I deserve to be happy” and what I’m checking is actually for feelings of guilt, shame or not being good enough…

Larry Bolata: …Okay…

Dr. Slonim: and I’m clearing that using a personalized forgiveness affirmation with the sensory stimulation.

Larry Bolata: People listening to this have to remember that you are physically with a person in your office and you are doing this thing we’re going to be talking about called muscle testing, which verifies whether something has been reached subconsciously and moved subconsciously or not, right?

Dr. Slonim: Correct. Muscle testing is actually the language the body talks, because everything…if you say something that’s true or anything that you said is positive, any positive feeling, any…even a smile will strengthen all your muscle, and the opposite is true; anything that you said that is negative, any thought that is negative, any negative feelings, even a frown will make your muscle weak.

Larry Bolata: So, negative energy weakens all muscles in the body…

Dr. Slonim: …Yes…

Larry Bolata: …and positive…positive energy, positive thought strengthen muscles in the body…

Dr. Slonim: …Yes…

Larry Bolata: …Okay, that’s why muscle testing matters, because it’s literally a test how much negative energy is in me, right?

Dr. Slonim: It shows us the effect that truth and positive thoughts and feelings have upon us and that by itself when I’m showing it…I’m demonstrating it to my patients, could be a life changing event for them. They realize that they may not be able to control their feelings, but they can control their thought. And here is the power of affirmation coming in. When you think positive thoughts it will strengthen all your muscles. When you smile, even if you don’t feel like it, it strengthens all your muscles. So why would you choose the negative thoughts if you can just think positive.

Larry Bolata: Well, negative thoughts occur and we do not control them and…this is really about getting rid of what we can’t control, which is negative thoughts. Let me stop here to remind we’re listening, together, to Dr. Daphna Slonim and we are hearing about this idea of subconscious sabotage and how when you’re dating the wrong people repeatedly and we’re getting closer to learning about all seven of these reasons you’re dating the wrong partners. There is a subconscious set of reasons that you’re dating the wrong partners. Talk about the…the first testing that you do, and by the way, you have a really nice YouTube video where you’re sitting with a women and going through this exact process on YouTube.

If you want to enter the name D-a-p-h-n-a S-l-o-n-i-m, if you enter Dr. Slonim’s name on YouTube you’ll find this video which is great demonstration of exactly what she is talking about. But Dr. Slonim go ahead and…and continue in this…this seven reasons you end up attracting wrong partners.

Dr. Slonim: The first one we talked about and that’s feeling undeserving. The second thing I’m checking is “Others do not deserve for me to date Mr. or Mrs. Right” , and that’s a little less intuitive than “I deserve”. When I check, for example: “My father does not deserve for me to date Mr. Right” I’m actually checking for subconscious feelings of anger, hatred and vindictiveness.

Larry Bolata: So when you say this category of ‘others’ you’re going to help this person who’s hunting down the subconscious sabotage in this category called ‘others’ you start with dad and who else is included in ‘others’ that you’re checking for?

Dr. Slonim: I’m checking, of course, mother, father, siblings,

Larry Bolata: …can be very abusive…

Dr. Slonim: …yes, and exs, ex-boyfriend who is abusive or ex-husband, I find a lot of time that there is a subconscious sabotage related to that.

Larry Bolata: …Okay…

Dr. Slonim: Then I’m going to check: “God does not deserve for me to find Mr. Right”. Larry Bolata: …Okay…

Dr. Slonim: A lot of people have subconscious anger towards God for not giving them what they want. They see God as a parent figure, father figure, they’re angry at God for taking away family members or just looking around and see what horrible things happen in the world…

Larry Bolata: …Oh, yes…yes, blaming God, okay. Dr. Slonim: …And then a biggy, a big one is when I’m checking: “It is safe for me to be happy or it is safe for me to find Mr. Right, and for safety the list is…is endless, really. I had a person that didn’t feel safe because she didn’t want children and…

Larry Bolata: …(Laugh)…okay…

Dr. Slonim: …it was…once she discovered…and it was kind of subconscious, really. Once we discover that then it was easy because she started looking for guys who did not want children either.

A lot of people feel it’s unsafe for them to get close to someone because they’re going to lose their autonomy, they’re going to lose their freedom, someone else is going to tell them what to do, someone else….

Larry Bolata: …Oh, yes, and I’ve seen some really extreme examples of that in working with people. Guy dating for seven years the same girl…(laughing)…and that’s…you hear about his childhood and sure enough all…everything you’re talking about was there, did not feel safe.

Dr. Slonim: Well, I had a patient…that she always dated losers, real losers, that depended upon her financially, felt it was unsafe for her to date someone successful because she was afraid they going to dump her. So it was unsafe from this point of view and then she also discovered that subconsciously that it was also safe for her to date losers because she wasn’t really attached to them emotionally. So should they dump her, should she be rejected, she would not be too devastated.

Larry Bolata: …(Laughing)…and the source of that…needing to dump losers came from events from her childhood.

Dr. Slonim: She was afraid that she wasn’t loved…she felt she was unlovable, and she felt that…she had a lot of rejections…as a teenager from boys that got her an imprint that she cannot be…loved and…

Larry Bolata: …In this particular case you’re talking about, what would her father have done in those first years to create this massive unsafe feeling?

Dr. Slonim: Well, in the…in her case it was not her father really. She has a very emotionally aloof mother…

Larry Bolata: …Okay…

Dr. Slonim: …The mother was kind of not showing her affection and that kind of get her the imprint that she is not lovable.

Larry Bolata: Oh, okay, so if your mother is aloof why would you feel lovable, right, cause she’s distant, she is distant from you and so there is the imprint; mother doesn’t care about me, I’m not important, I’m not valuable. My mother is aloof and distant, I’m not lovable, there’s the message goes in my brain, I get around men and all of a sudden I got to date somebody who I got to support, because if I support them, I don’t care about them, then I will never be rejected like my mother rejected me. Is that kind of like…the way the logic goes?

Dr. Slonim: well I see this person as an example because it’s something that we see all around. A lot of people are afraid of intimacy, they’re afraid to get close to other life-partners, they just afraid that if someone really gets close to them in an intimate level they will realize who they really are and they will dump them.

Larry Bolata: …And that….who you really are goes back to a childhood message that you’re no good and…you need to hide that because you’re really bad, and that’s…that’s an original childhood message that is now subconscious, you don’t know it’s there. If you ask the person just outright, you know, tell me why you don’t do what you should they can’t tell you that. So you go through this process I mentioned was…I saw on the YouTube video where you’re going through steps and you’re taking us through those steps now and you mentioned safety, cause you said it’s a really big one, so lots of children didn’t feel safe and now lots of adults have a great fear in there that I have to avoid anything that will make me feel unsafe today.

Dr. Slonim: Well, a lot of children also have the role models of their own parents’ marriage. They see the abuse, they see…they see the bickering and the fighting and then they’re…subject to divorce and that by itself is …it’s a wound…

Larry Bolata: …Yeah…

Dr. Slonim: …it’s a trauma that needs to be treated and removed because they will either follow this pattern, this role model that they witness, or that they will follow the subconscious imprint. The trauma will stop…will prevent them from looking for suitable partners. Larry Bolata: So, that means if I am not against it I’m just going to repeat it, I’m going to literally find someone to reproduce my childhood home then, right? And if I’m against it I might consciously go the other way and make sure that I never do what they did.

Dr. Slonim: So, with parents bad marriage children feel unsafe. It’s dangerous to marry or to be close to someone because see what happens between my parents.

Larry Bolata: Yes, alright. So safety, what’s…what’s next in your search for the subconscious sabotage?

Dr. Slonim: Another issue with safety is the issue of fear losing identity; I know who I am, this is who I am, if I’m going to be close to someone they’re going to dominate me, they’re going to expose me, they’re going to manipulate me, they’re not going to allow me to be myself, I will have to efface myself in order to remain in the relationship. This fear is also coming from early childhood. There are some people witness their parents…one parent is kind of so subdued that…just to remain in their relationship, so that’s another issue of safety. A lot of people are afraid to change, even the change is for the better, because they’re afraid that they will not know who they are. Right now they’re living in…hell, but this is…it’s a known hell.

Larry Bolata: It’s a known hell. Yeah, the devil I know versus the devil I don’t know.

Dr. Slonim: Yeah, now, there are so many issues about this safety. It’s like more than seven safety issue.

Larry Bolata: But this is an important point, because safe…people want to feel safe, it’s a general statement. If you didn’t feel safe in your childhood…and one of the things I’ve…I’ve done over a thousand interviews of people in troubled marriages, a thousand hours actually I’ve spent in these interviews, so I’ve gotten into some depth about their…their childhood experiences, and I’ve heard people say, “I just don’t remember my childhood,” and whenever I hear that I don’t ever hear any happy memories. Because I ask, “Well, can you remember a happy memory, you know, just a real happy event…something, a birthday party, a Christmas, a something?”, and they can’t remember a happy memory, and I say, “Well, give me your greatest memory,” and they can’t find that either. What is that? What’s happened there to these people who can’t remember their childhood?

Dr. Slonim: Well, they suppress it.

Larry Bolata: …It’s is an automatic suppression, something that’s done for you so you don’t have to suffer your past?

Dr. Slonim: Well, that is the body and its wisdom. Well, in extreme cases there is a complete disassociation, like people are just not there… you heard like in post-traumatic stress disorder people are getting…checking out. But I’m not talking about that, I’m just talking about…first it’s normal to forget…

Larry Bolata: …Okay…

Dr. Slonim: we can’t remember all the memories so it’s…it’s normal to forget. But painful memories, our subconscious is protecting you, it’s pushing you down, you don’t need to remember, you don’t want to remember, why should you dwell on it, but it’s still there, it’s still there…

Larry Bolata: …Okay…

Dr. Slonim: …If you’re not aware of the…enemy it can stab you in the back, and that’s exactly what happens with subconscious sabotage.

Larry Bolata: I mentioned these interviews because a lot of people did not feel safe, because of the things that did happen and the people that do remember…remember some really, really terrible things, and their parents, they did not alter their childhoods. Their childhoods were right intact and literally reproduced their painful childhoods, those childhoods came out…they had children and they dumped all of that same behavior into those children for the next generation, very, very predictable stuff. That’s why I’m really glad that you’re out there doing the work you’re doing…(laughing). More people need to see you.

So, with safety being so big we can assume that the childhood was not safe and so someone listening to this is saying, “Wow, I didn’t have a safe childhood at all, because, because, because,” and they could tell a story how they never felt safe and how they worked real hard trying to create safety for their children now. That sounds like a person like you’re talking about goes the other way. Getting back to the dating the wrong partners, why are they the wrong partners? Because they’re going to recreate your childhood pain, is that why?

Dr. Slonim: Yes, it’s going to…well, first of all it’s a familiar thing. It’s either…someone who is abusive or critical or domineering or manipulative, or it’s something thing that…or someone that…emotionally aloof, unable to express love, and like one of the parents you feel you’re unlovable. A lot of people are actually effacing themselves, they’re kind of trying to please their partners, they’re martyrs, they’re the “perfect partner” but actually they’re not expressing their own needs or wants and they give, give, give and that’s how they’re burning out.

Larry Bolata: …And they don’t know who they are. Another case of they don’t know who they are…

Dr. Slonim: Exactly and….

Larry Bolata: …Because they don’t…they’re pleasing people so much and so hard, and putting so much energy into pleasing other people trying to get some kind of a pay back. What kind of pay back are they longing for?

Dr. Slonim: Oh, they’re longing to be loved, but, there is the huge “but” in there. Let’s say a woman is really pleasing and really doing everything and her husband indeed loves her. This love is worth nothing emotionally, because…

Larry Bolata: …Because…(laughing)…

Dr. Slonim: She will always live with the fear that if the husband really, really knows who she is, if she will actually start to express herself and be successful and not being subdued and just express her needs and her wants all the love will evaporate.

Larry Bolata: Alright, now where would that come from in her childhood history then? That’s a message if you actually get the love you’re going to lose it all?

Dr. Slonim: This part doesn’t necessarily come from the childhood. This is just come from…if you’re loved for who you’re not, if you’re loved because you’re giving, giving, giving…

Larry Bolata: …Okay…if you’re loved because you’re performing…

Dr. Slonim: …Then even if you get this love, okay, you…it’s not reassuring, because it’s not…you always feel that it’s not you are the person who are being loved. This is your…

Larry Bolata: …It is your ability to perform…

Dr. Slonim: …You’re the impostor, you’re going to be exposed and…and thrown away.

Larry Bolata: …(Laughing)…I’m no good, I have this belief that I’m no good, the only thing that makes me good is the ability to give and serve and take care of, and so on. Dr. Slonim: Yes…

Larry Bolata: …So that working very, very hard to please everybody is me really hiding what no one will actually look at the bad thing that I am because I got a message that says I’m really a bad person, so I cover it up by being a spectacular giver.

Dr. Slonim: And…and the frustration is mounting, frustration is growing, anger is growing and giving, giving, giving, I’m not getting anything…

Larry Bolata: …Boy, I’ve heard this story a lot, and millions of women have this story. To our seven reasons that you’re dating the wrong partners, what makes them wrong is you’re going to get the person that your childhood requires you to have. Is that a short way to say it?

Dr. Slonim: That’s pretty much the bottom line mostly from early childhood. Some…there is some traumas that come later on in life and…and I’ve found a way to treat traumas very effectively, but most of the issues with subconscious sabotage are coming from early childhood and…are unknown. Sometimes they are even coming from preverbal time. Let me just tell you this story. I saw a couple that came for me to facilitate their divorce. The woman could not possibly take her husband’s rage attacks. Every time he called her and she was in the kitchen busy and was like a minute late in responding to him, he had the rage attack, totally out of control, breaking things and…

Larry Bolata: …Okay, something very, very wrong there, yeah…(laughing)…

Dr. Slonim: I did muscle testing with him and it came out that it was related to childhood trauma, and he said no I don’t have any childhood trauma and we found out in muscle testing that when he was, I don’t know, very early age, I think preverbal even, a year and a half or something, he had a trauma of abandonment. He said it was absolutely not true and he was never abandoned: “my mother is the best mother ever she wouldn’t abandon me, she was always very good, you know, taking very good care of me”. I told him to go and ask the mother what happened because in muscle testing we found the age when it happened. He went to his mother and she said, “yes, when you were this age I gave birth to your sister and I…there were complication, I had to be in the hospital for two weeks and you couldn’t stop crying for the entire two weeks” …and that’s…he got this imprint like…of…imprint of abandonment so if it sounds like his wife abandoned him for one second he regress to be a one and a half year old, throwing a tantrum.

Larry Bolata: …Wow, that’s astounding stuff right there. You know, this does explain a lot about why people are so unconscious. The source of their behavior is completely out of their reach. Now…now talk about what happens when you start working with people. Muscle testing is a way of verifying, and the questions you ask also, is a way of verifying what actually happened in those…in those years, those originating years. Processes…now, you do these…this process with people in person, but if people go to http://www.thefirstkey.com and they get your book and they live half way around the world, what…what can they do themselves from the book?

Dr. Slonim: Well, the book is written as a do-it-yourself manual and the only thing they need is the partner to do muscle testing and again it is available on You Tube or, people can go to http://www.thefirstkey.com/energy-muscle- testing, they can see me demonstrating exactly…

Larry Bolata: …Well, I don’t want to miss that…I want…I want you to repeat that again slowly so people can write this down, cause this is…the YouTube videos, several of them, give the site again.

Dr. Slonim: Okay, on my site, http://www.thefirstkey.com/energy-muscle-testing, there are about…ten short videos of me demonstrating this particular technique which I found more reliable than other type of muscle testing, and I just demonstrate and comment upon all aspects of accurately doing it. All you need is a partner to pull your fingers apart and follow the instructions. It’s like a step by step recipe to do the muscle testing and how to do the correction, and I’m planning…since it’s a work in progress and I found a kind of general types of forgiveness affirmation, I’m going to record it and make it available to the public as well. Larry Bolata: Let’s say we take a woman and she has a sister and she’s not a particular big believer in any of the muscle testing, and…and energy and all those things. In essence, the woman who believes it that this is going to help me has her sister, like in effect, reading a script that you give her, is that kind of…the way it works?

Dr. Slonim: The book itself has the script for generalized clearing of the sabotage. First you clear happiness: “I deserve to be happy”, “others deserve for me to be happy”, God deserve for me to be happy”, “it’s safe for me to be happy”. Then we’re checking: “I can imagine myself being happy right away”. This is because a lot of people feel, well I was miserable for fifty years now …it’s impossible for me just to clear it in three minutes, and they don’t believe in that, so they need check and correct that, and after we’re done with all this the last thing I’m checking is: “I have a hundred percent subconscious support for me to be happy”.

Larry Bolata: Oh, now, what is…what is this question…or this statement, I have a hundred percent…

Dr. Slonim: …subconscious support. It’s just to confirm that we’re done removing everything. This is…

Larry Bolata: …Okay, okay…

Dr. Slonim: …once I’m checking that and it’s…it’s strong indicating that there is hundred support subconscious support for happiness and I’m going I want to find Mr. Right, I proceed to repeat everything testing and correcting for: “I deserve to find Mr. Right” and again follow the recipe to do it.

Larry Bolata: …Just follow the recipe. When you watch the videos that you have its very clear cause it’s done very slowly, very methodically. There is a series of steps in the book, the scripts are there. So, you get the book, you get a sister or brother, or somebody to be that partner to follow you and…and if they watch the videos they can see what’s going on and how they need to conduct this. But when people do it themselves, they get the same results as having the doctor be there with them?

Dr. Slonim: Depends, because some people need more…more care than others. Some people need to work with me, some people can do it on their own, especially if the sabotage is not severe, if we’re not dealing with very traumatic life, and I think there are millions of people that can do it by themselves.

Larry Bolata: Okay, well, that’s very encouraging. Thefirstkey.com and…why are you dating the wrong partners. There are seven reasons and they’re virtually all the same. This childhood pain that you cannot see, feel, touch or reach, and Dr. Slonim is giving us a way to actually go there find it and dissipate it. You know, as you talk to the people, and you work with the people in your office, and you see what happens to them when they get through the other side of this simple process, what kinds of change do you see? Is it long-term change? Is it…dramatic change? What happens to people?

Dr. Slonim: By now I worked with hundreds of people and I have great feedback. Most people say usually that the change is not dramatic, it’s very subtle and it takes time, it’s an ongoing, uphill kind of progress. Sometimes the results are very dramatic but Some people are not even attributing the changes to the work I do. I had a person that I worked with that we were clearing to find his ideal job. Did this work on Saturday, on Monday he was given a job offer. But he said no, it was just a coincidence…

Larry Bolata: …(Laughing)…

Dr. Slonim: I…worked with a person that…she couldn’t get pregnant, for many years and we cleared that. Three months later she got pregnant but when a friend told her it happened after she worked with me she denied it. She said it just happened. Most people after working with me experience uphill improvement, going gradually uphill. I worked with a person who last year hardly make forty thousand dollar a year, now he reported to me yesterday that he got job offer for ninety-five thousand a year. Some people are…(laughing)…admitting that there is result…but it took a year to get there. So, it’s not dramatic, it’s gradual.

Larry Bolata: Well, the important thing is that by working on this idea that you have childhood pain, that you cannot reach, you cannot fix, you cannot even find it, the idea that the pain is there and it’s got a life of its own and it can control you, it can make you do things you don’t even know you’re doing, and even if you know you’re doing it and don’t’ like it, you can’t stop it. Just the idea that you have a way to get there, to this subconscious place is very encouraging and very hopeful, I think.

Dr. Slonim: (Laughing)…I have to agree…

Larry Bolata: I’ve discovered there is a book called, ‘The Magic of Believing,’ that documents that…people believe and it happens. There beliefs make everything possible and, you know, cynics, they believe in cynicism…(laughing)…and sure enough that’s what they get…(laughing). Some people believe in optimism, that’s what they get. This is a great thing that is…I think well founded in research and the idea that…this is a way to get the energies of your childhood that are destructive out of you way is just a…is just a productive thing to do. So, http://www.thefirstkey.com to introduce you to Dr. Slonim’s world and…and also if you want to get her help that’s the place to go. Dr. Slonim, thank you very much for being on the show and…for taking the time to explain this to us. It’s been very, very enlightening.

Dr. Slonim: Thank you, Larry.

Larry Bolata: Okay, bye, bye.